This month, the Chatette and I will have been together 19 years. 2022 will be 20 years! As most of you know a lot has happened since that 2002 purchase of the Chatette and the 2010 purchase of the barn. I often say that I belong to them.
As life unfolded over the years, I often felt torn. This was always where I wanted to be; but the need to work, Columbus Street, friends, and family kept pulling me back and forth.
During 2012, I made the decision to pack up Dali and Sam and return to the states since I needed to work.
I struggled and shed many tears over that decision, but was set with all the arrangements for us on the 22nd of October.
Then, Dad fell on October 12 and that sealed the deal.
I had to be stateside so I could get to St. Louis as need be. In fact, I changed our rental car reservation out of Atlanta to St. Louis instead of New Orleans. After a sleep at the Motel 6 in Chattanooga, TN. we drove straight to St. Louis. What I expected to be a short-term stay didn't materialize that way.
Prior to that departure, I was going back and forth a lot between the Chatette and the barn along the train tracks. I was making sure that everything was protected and put away.
On the ladder up to the loft with tears in my eyes, I remember saying out loud (or maybe it was the barn speaking to me again like it often does):
"You need to be able to be here 200%!"
I was asking myself what does that look like and what would it mean?
Interestingly, I seem to be getting there a little bit at a time. I was already back here easily 9 months or more of each year, but as long as Dad was alive I needed a good 3 months stateside to be able to make that NOLA/St. Louis trip at least twice. Although there was a time when I had Columbus Street on the market to sell, I was back to renting the apartment and living in the big house. I was also able to make a little extra money each stateside trip by offering social work workshops on Columbus Street. It also helped me keep up my own continuing education credits so I could maintain my LCSW-BACS. While all of this was the nuts and bolts, it was the love of my family and friends that glued it all together. That configuration worked. It wasn't 200%, but it worked for now.
Enter 2020. Dad departed on New Year's Day. As I mentioned then, the whole landscape of my life changed that day. Dad was my priority. Dad was the main reason I was returning stateside. I began to look ahead to what this meant for me and the Chatette in the long term. I saw me getting another 4-legged child because I wouldn't be gone as long. I saw the possibility of selling Columbus Street, and wondered what that would mean for not having a place in New Orleans anymore in terms of friends, family and work. I told myself that I had time to think about all of these things.
Enter the Corona Virus Pandemic. The pandemic pushed us all into a whole new world. I was already close to my return and had an early April flight. With circumstances in the EU and France specifically, I decided it was best for me to stay stateside. We began our socially distanced lives and did our very best to protect ourselves and others. I began to have fears that if I didn't get back to Cadrieu, it may not be possible.
I realized the other day, that one by one, the losses in my life have been making room for me to reach that 200%.
Losing Dad, the difficulty/inability to travel, difficulty of seeing family and friends, the decision to give up my social work license, and ending of a romantic relationship; have all allowed me or even pushed me to begin to reach that 200%.
The losses have made more room in my life to just be here.
I can't forget that I am also more here than ever before, as in the Chatette and on the property. I often say out-loud: "I so love this place!" I am so grateful to be here.
I haven't put a number to any of this. It might be fun to think about that and do it some day.
But for now, I'm happy to say that Lola and I are getting closer every day!
Happy Saturday!
