When I first came back to the Chatette and Cadrieu during March of 2018 after Christmas of 2017; I was still living in the apartment in Cajarc while the repairs were being made after the November fire.
I would ride my bike back to the house and wander around to see what was what.
Was there anything I could do?
It was projected that I could be back "home" at the end of April, probably at least a month away.
There was so much...so many feelings, so much to decide, so much to miss...of which, Sam was the biggest.
My piano was important to me. It was under plastic. I had been told by one person it was "dead" and another who came from Cahors wanted 10,000 euros to repair it for me. While I was in the states, I connected with Philippe Jolly who told me we should be able to do something together once I got back and they were in the valley as well. My Monsieur was his baby too.
I told Eric what I was up to.
Eric was Eric. I told him how sad my Monsieur Winkelmann was, as were most things. I told him that we were "empty," except for me and my Monsieur. I'd already sat on the front stoop with my empty house behind me and felt that even as is; it was enough for me.
Eric said: "all you really need is your piano, a chair, a coffee pot and a place to sleep."
We were off!
In that "so much," I'd decided that : the windows were works of art bare; I had my Monsieur and didn't need a stereo system; the walls and the stone were works of art on their own; and, that I didn't want to clutter us up.
After Katrina, I remember riding in the car with my friend Barbara.
We were on our way to the Napoleon House because it had opened. I got the first post-Katrina Reuben Sandwich they sold.
I told Barbara: "you could look me in the eye and tell me that I was missing a leg, and I would look back at you and say: oh really, that's nice. I'll think about it another time!
I recently realized when I was reading about grief, that the best thing that you can do for the people you love who are grieving is to just do something nice for them on your own initiative. Don't ask. Grief is not made for decision making. Asking our friends what we can do for them, or telling them to let us know, is one more thing that they probably just can't think about.
A huge light went off for me.
Lately, I've made some big (or maybe just different) decisions. As I've been: buying my new stereo system; picking out some "replacement and new" CDs; and, choosing special curtains for all of the windows in the house; I was asking myself why now?
At that time, it was easier to decide to do nothing...I didn't need a new stereo. I didn't need new curtains on the windows. I didn't need to replace all my CDs that went up in smoke. Call it triaging. Call it self preservation. I just couldn't think about it at the time.
It's almost six years later.
Apparently, we're ready now.
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