The 2014 plan I'd put together for what I called my 4-4-4 (four months in New Orleans; four months in Cadrieu; and, four months in Ferguson) took on a life all its own. Since it was a decision I'd made from New Orleans, the first four flowed pretty much as expected.
By the time I got to Cadrieu in May, health emergencies began for both of my parents and continued with hospitalizations and rehab for almost three of the four months that I was away. From Ferguson last fall, I looked at my life through the lense of disaster once more...a demonstration down Elizabeth, nearby businesses looted and burning, and then discovering that the business block of West Florissant between Kappel Drive and Chambers Road in the neighborhood I grew up in had been looted and burned with many places burned to the ground.
Days after my return to New Orleans at the end of December; Dad had another emergency that required a return trip to St. Louis, and then I discovered on Facebook that a dear friend had been murdered in rural North Carolina. January of 2015 wasn't even over yet.
Coming up on March, I knew that if I was going to be able to get home this summer I needed to start planning now. There's so much to arrange and coordinate to make all the pieces of this life work. I began to realize that I just don't have the energy for it. I'm exhausted.
Over the last two years, my Mom and I have voiced similar refrains: "I just want to go home."
A difference is that I am sad and disappointed when I can't, but I accept that sometimes it just isn't possible. This is one of those times for me. I recently made the decision that it is time for me to stay put. The thought of traveling internationally again and all that entails, exhausts me. Circumstances in New Orleans require that I remain here, and it's a lot easier getting to Ferguson from New Orleans than it is from Cadrieu.
I labored back and forth for a while. Finally one afternoon with Eric, I said it outloud: "I don't think I can go home this summer." I put it out there. I made it real. I shared it with someone I care about. It becamse crystal clear that under the circumstances, there was no other decision that could be made. In that there's some sadness, but mostly relief.
Then, there's the moving on and opportunity if you seize it.
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